The New Language of Courtship

There was one piece of popcorn.

That was the problem.

At least according to the woman I was dating.

We were sitting in a movie theater. I had bought her a bucket of popcorn, and at some point during the movie I reached over and took one piece.

She looked at me.

“Why didn't you buy your own popcorn?”

There was an important detail here.

I bought the popcorn.

She explained that she had brought a box of wine and had calculated exactly how much popcorn she needed to go with it.

Apparently, I had disrupted the ratio.

The funny thing is, this shouldn't have surprised me.

Earlier, she had told me about another man she'd gone out with.

There had been one hors d'oeuvre left on the plate.

He ate it.

He didn't offer it to her.

That was enough.

No second date.

And yet there I was, stealing popcorn from my own bucket and continuing to date her.

Why?

She was very attractive.

Which may tell us almost everything we need to know about red flags.

The New Vocabulary

Somewhere along the way, dating developed a new language.

Red flags.

Green lights.

Deal breakers.

Warning signs.

The spark.

We've become remarkably good at identifying all of them.

Maybe too good.

Because the more I think about that vocabulary, the more I wonder whether we're always using it to understand people...

or sometimes using it to justify decisions we've already made.

At what point does paying attention become looking for reasons to reject somebody?

And on the other side of it, how much ridiculous behavior are we willing to overlook simply because we're attracted to them?

Apparently, in my case, the answer was at least one box of wine.

Everything Went Right

In Episode 4 of The Disposable Heart, I spoke with Rachel.

She had recently gone on a first date with a man she'd met online.

He arrived on time.

He looked like his pictures.

Put his phone away.

Asked questions.

Listened to her answers.

Remembered her daughter's name.

Didn't trash his ex-wife.

Was kind to the waitress.

Didn't get drunk.

Didn't pressure her physically.

Walked her to her car.

And texted the next morning.

If we're keeping score, this guy pitched a shutout.

Rachel's reaction?

Eh.

Nothing was wrong.

There just wasn't a spark.

And attraction matters.

Nobody should talk themselves into wanting someone they simply don't want.

But it raises an interesting question.

What exactly is the spark?

Attraction?

Chemistry?

Sexual tension?

Anticipation?

Uncertainty?

Anxiety?

Maybe some combination of all of them.

And maybe there's another question worth asking:

Can someone who's accustomed to emotional stimulation mistake emotional stability for boredom?

Everything Went Wrong

Then there's Michael.

Michael definitely felt the spark.

His date was twenty-five minutes late.

She'd already been drinking.

She ordered more.

She checked her phone throughout the date.

She told him about an ex-boyfriend who was a narcissist.

Another boyfriend had cheated.

Her ex-husband was controlling.

She'd recently left her job because of problems with her boss.

At one point, she disappeared into the bathroom long enough that Michael wondered whether she'd left.

Then they started talking about travel.

Michael mentioned Costa Rica.

She suggested they go together.

They had known each other for approximately two hours.

Michael's assessment?

Best first date he'd had in years.

There was energy.

She was beautiful.

They flirted.

She touched his arm.

They laughed.

They kissed.

There was definitely a spark.

And suddenly the things that might have looked like warning signs with someone else didn't look particularly red.

Attraction Has Its Own Vocabulary

That's the part of the new language of courtship we don't talk about enough.

We don't apply it equally.

When we're attracted to somebody:

Eccentric becomes interesting.

Unpredictable becomes spontaneous.

Difficult becomes challenging.

And a red flag can somehow become sexy.

But when we're not sure about somebody?

We become forensic investigators.

He took the last hors d'oeuvre.

She talked about her dog too much.

He wore the wrong shoes.

She ordered the wrong drink.

He texted too soon.

She didn't text soon enough.

Everything becomes evidence.

Maybe we've carried the swipe mentality right into the restaurant with us.

Interested.

Not interested.

Keep.

Discard.

Next.

“Sometimes it's a red flag. Sometimes it's just a piece of popcorn.”

Sometimes It's Just Popcorn

None of this means we should ignore genuine red flags.

Some behaviors matter.

How somebody treats people matters.

Whether they listen matters.

Honesty matters.

Boundaries matter.

Accountability matters.

How they talk about the people they've loved before matters.

But not everything is evidence.

Sometimes somebody is nervous.

Sometimes somebody says the wrong thing.

Sometimes there isn't an immediate spark.

And sometimes...

it's just a piece of popcorn.

Maybe after a first date, instead of only asking:

Did I feel a spark?

we should also ask:

How did I feel when I was with this person?

Did I feel comfortable?

Did I feel respected?

Was I curious about them?

Were they curious about me?

Could I be myself?

Would I like another two hours with this person?

Because emotional stimulation and emotional compatibility aren't necessarily the same thing.

The person who gives you butterflies might be wonderful.

Or those butterflies might be trying to tell you something.

The quiet date might be boring.

Or maybe you're experiencing something you've forgotten how to recognize.

Peace.

So pay attention to the red flags.

Notice the green lights.

Look for the spark.

But maybe don't disqualify somebody over the last hors d'oeuvre.

And every once in a while...

let them have a piece of your popcorn.